The bedroom moves that sound good in theory, but only turn her off.
You’ve been around the block once or twice, and no, we’re not talking alternate side of the street parking. We’re talking sex. You’ve done your homework, boned up on the finer points of doing the deed, and when it comes to getting busy between the sheets—or
whatever your locale of choice—you can be trusted to bring it on, bring
it home and just...bring it. You’re the man. The love guru. A sexual
rock star. But you know what? You might be mistaken. While you may be
certain your performance is hitting all the right notes, in reality,
your off-key love song can potentially get you sacked in the sack. (But
always remember: all women were not created equal, especially on the
playing field of sexual yeas and nays. One girl's thrill is another’s What are you doing?, but cut these deal breakers from your curriculum, and you're off to a good start.)
Beware being the guy who believes that having an encyclopedic education in Tantra, The Kama Sutra
and the collected works of Dr. Ruth Westheimer makes you a proficient
lover. A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but so is a lot of
knowledge in the wrong hands, tongues or other man bits, and as everyone
knows, theory and practice are two very different animals. The guy who
is certain he can “give” a woman an orgasm operates on the misconception
that a woman’s orgasm is his to give. It’s not. Yes, you can and should
help her get there, but the long, short, thick, thin and yeah, just
right there of it is: a woman’s climax is her own. A man so
goal-oriented that he focuses solely on “pleasuring his woman,” can
expect to achieve the same result as one who doesn't care whether his
partner gets off at all. He’s running through his checklist, and an hour
of oohing and ahhing later, she’s thinking, "Are we there yet?"
Ah, the clitoris: The seat of so much pleasure, and the temple to so
many misconceptions. Is clitoral stimulation a good thing? Of course it
is. Can there be too much of a good thing. You betcha. While the ruby
pearl is a magic button, it’s certainly not the only one.
Direct contact or fancy finagling down below are not givens, nor should
sex necessarily begin and end “on the dot.” If your idea of foreplay is
to shove a hand between her legs and have at it, don’t be surprised if
she shuts down rather than lights up. Every woman has her own timing,
tempo and preferred sequence of events. Learn to read her music or you
may get the hook.
Porn movies are fantasies. Many things you see in them may make for
fabulous wank fodder, but when going one-on-one with a real partner of
the non-inflatable variety, can be real deal breakers. Spanking. DP.
Facials. Girl-on-girl. We’re not saying she won’t be into it, but we are
saying you should broach the subject before you invite the cable guy in
for a threesome and cue the cheesy soundtrack. Ironically, females are
now major consumers of porn. If your amore’s amenable, try watching some
together and talking about how far you're both willing to go before you
bust out the sex swing.
The Sloppy Eater
Those who treat the vagina like hogs at a trough rarely find
themselves asked back for a return engagement. Going down? Good!
Enthusiasm? Great! Slobbering, snuffling, snarfling, snorting and/or
The Marathon Man
The seven-hour myth of Sting has been debunked. Not every woman is
capable of multiple orgasms, nor does she necessarily want it to go on
and on and on. Sometimes, it's a far better thing for you to
come, than it is to attempt to make her come again—or even at all.
Heresy, right? Not really. Intercourse does not have to lead to female
orgasm 100 percent of the time. As long as it doesn’t become a recurring
theme, it’s not the end of the world. Again, focus on the game, rather
than the score, and pleasure will be achieved. (She can always get
herself off later, and if you’re nice, she may even let you watch.)